EVE AND VIV EACH DRINK AN ENTIRE CAN OF MONSTER, THEN GO TO ULTA AND SMELL PERFUMES FOR THIRTY MINUTES

Viv Schnabel and Eve Casanas

We gave ourselves thirty minutes exactly. As soon as the caffeine hit my veins, everything became of the utmost importance and seriousness.

SNIF

Spray Tan - Not horrible. Sunscreen.

Coco Shimmy - “Boring pineapple” (Eve).

Swede Tooth - Smells uncannily like the monster we just drank.

Crumb Couture - Bath & Body Works candle.

Naughty Nonna - Don’t hate! old sweater, spicy.

Soda Snob - Bitters/alc.

ELLA LANGLEY

Be Her - Eve says this is guilty pleasure, but the sandalwood smells really artificial to me.

ELLIS

Vanilla Salt - Smells expired.

BRIDGERTON

Dearest Tempting Peach - Not bad! Reminds me of when I tried my mom’s Tocca perfume as a child.

Dearest Rebel Vanilla - Not vanilla, but really good!

Dearest Graceful Hydrangea - Like a raincloud.

BILLIE EILISH

Eilish - “The boobs are distracting” (Eve). “This smells like a girl you have a week-long crush on and then she moves away” (Eve).

Eilish No. 2 - Super smoky, not great.

Your Turn No. 2 - Cat piss, if the cat had diabetes.

SABRINA CARPENTER

Sweet Tooth Lemon Pie - I love Sabrina Carpenter and will tolerate no slander of this perfume, which is a photorealistic lemon pie/whipped cream portrait. I would not wear it, but I like it a lot.

KYLIE JENNER

Cosmic - Refreshing, inoffensive. Giving eau de beige.

ARIANA GRANDE

Cloud - Plastic. “It’s like they forgot the smell” (Eve).

Cloud Pink - Plastic…marshmallow.

Love Notes Pink Woods - Harsh.

REM Cherry Eclipse - Plastic.

Mod Vanilla - “Am I spraying too much?” (Eve). We determined that she was.

Mod Blush - Play-doh.

Sweet Like Candy - Pink lemonade.

Thank U, Next - Someone ate play-doh and then threw up.

Ari - Someone drank pink lemonade and then threw up. Very middle school.

DOLCE & GABBANA

We started really vibing in this section.

Dolce Magnolia - Classy!

Light Blue Capri in Love - Like a beautiful man dipping into a pool.

The Only One - Sexy bubblegum.

The One - Very jasmine, vaguely pleasant.

Light Blue - I loved it! Blue lemonade.

My Devotion - “Sweet miso soup” (Eve). Pleasing.

Devotion - “Butterbeer” (Eve).

Devotion intense - “Like a Cuban man. Like my grandfather at the peak of his life. He collected art forgeries” (Eve).

Dolce Violet - A jungle full of towering women. “You think they’re trees and they’re actually women” (Eve).

Dolce Garden - Floral, powdery.

Dolce - Baby powder.

Devotion for Men - Expired peppercorns.

Light Blue Pour Homme - Tragically, this didn’t preserve any of the things I liked about Light Blue. It smelled like spicy sour baby powder.